Are You Suspicious?

Alternatives to Spying on Your Spouse

Man Checking Text Messages with a Woman Seated in Background
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If you have suspicions that your spouse is having an affair, you may be wondering what to do. Here are some suggestions to help you cope with your lack of trust in your spouse, and alternatives to spying on your partner.

  • Don't make any rash decisions or jump to conclusions. Although statistics show that 85% of women and 50% of men eventually discover their suspicions were right and their spouse was cheating, you could be wrong.
  • Ask yourself some questions: Do you believe your spouse is committed to your relationship? Do you think your partner would share with you any feelings of discontent or unhappiness in your marriage? Is your mate capable of breaking the vows you made to one another? Do you have intense feelings of jealousy or mistrust?
  • Discuss your concerns with your spouse. Don't accuse. Make sure you use "I" statements, such as "I'm concerned about you not calling me when you said you would on your last business trip" or "When I washed your clothes, I discovered some disturbing things in your pockets."
  • Avoid walking on eggshells around your partner. Don't become pathetic, whiny, weak, or dependent.
  • Be specific about what you won't tolerate such as lying, secret meetings, emotional intimacy, and sharing confidences with someone your mate feels a sexual chemistry.
  • When you confront your spouse with your suspicions, share both what is making you uncomfortable and your love for your spouse. State your hope that your marriage can survive this crisis of mistrust, but that you won't tolerate sharing your mate with someone else.
  • Stop snooping around for evidence in your mate's email, phone records, credit card statements, etc. If you are consumed with fear and worry about your spouse's behavior, do you really see any future with this person? If you can't trust your partner without spying, why are you still married? Your money and time would be better spent seeking marriage counseling.
  • Trust your intuition. Your gut instinct is probably right.
  • Get tested for HIV/AIDS and other STDs. This is not only for your physical health, but also for your own peace of mind.
  • Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Nipping infidelity in the bud gives your marriage a fighting chance. However, you should prepare yourself financially, legally, emotionally, and mentally for the fact that your marriage may not survive.
  • Together, take an honest look at your marriage. When was the last time the two of you had fun together? How would you rate your sex life? Do you ever take romantic trips together? Do you listen to one another? Do you fight fairly? Are you both happy with your marriage? Do you respect and like one another?
  • If your spouse refuses to seek help for your marriage, or is very vague when discussing your questions, this type of evasive behavior could be your answer. This puts the ball in your court and you will need to decide what you want to do with your future.

According to Michelle Goodman of  CNN, Thomas Merrill, a clinical psychologist from Peoria, Arizona believes "If you can't communicate directly with your partner or get the information you need from him or her, that's a relationship problem.

That's the time to confront the issue, not snoop." 

Individuals often describe spying and snooping on their spouses. Rarely is there a positive outcome. When you confront your spouse with your suspicions, share both what is making you uncomfortable and your love for your spouse. State your hope that your marriage can survive this crisis of mistrust.