7 Reasons to Hate Christmas

Man trying to untangle Christmas lights
Jamie Grill/Iconica/Getty Images

Christmas sucks. You may wonder how any sensible person dislikes a season that's devoted to peace on Earth and goodwill toward men. You might be surprised to learn that there's a huge underground of people who all agree that they should just cancel Christmas. Here are the seven reasons many people hate Christmas.

1. Tons of Christmas Waste

The EPA has determined that the amount of household garbage in the U.S. increases by about one million tons between Thanksgiving and New Year's, and most of that is related to Christmas gift packaging, Christmas boxes, Christmas breakage, and countless other types of Christmas flotsam and jetsam. Those tons of garbage go to a landfill to rot. From an environmental perspective, Christmas is an unnatural disaster of titanic proportions.

2. Christmas Music is Crap

How many times in an average day can anyone listen to the same tired carols bleating over the PA system in every department store, grocery store, drug store, shopping mall, and hardware store in America? Even contemporary holiday gems like The Pogue's "Fairy Tale of New York" or Joni Mitchell's "River" become stale after 3,892 plays. Enough already. Cancel Christmas music.

3. Christmas Shopping Sucks

Christmas has become a grotesque consumer orgy. The degree of consumer debt that accrues between Thanksgiving and Christmas would make Caligula blush. Hordes descend on stores and malls like an infestation of locusts. Crazed consumers can even cause deaths and injuries in shopping frenzies. Retailers feed on holiday madness like crack dealers. All are reasons enough to cancel Xmas immediately.

4. Christmas Starts Too Damn Early

If holidays were diseases, Christmas would be cancer—a fast-spreading, deadly cancer. It's already taken over Thanksgiving, spread into New Year's, and it's going after Halloween, too. Some stores set up Christmas displays in September. That's about one-third of the year devoted to a perverse imitation of what used to be a religious holiday. The credit card debt lasts well into summer and beyond. It's time to surgically remove the growing tumor of Christmas and use harsh chemotherapy to keep the Christmas cancer cells from spreading any further.

5. Christmas Travel Misery

Airport crowds, highway traffic, flight delays, and miserable weather make Christmas travel a nightmare. Beyond those factors, the environmental impact is impossible to ignore. Since most holiday travel depends on staggering amounts of fossil fuels, the planet would be a much better place if everyone just stayed home.

6. Tacky Christmas Decorations

It's impossible to ignore the environmental impact of most holiday decorations. Those cheap plastic balls and tinsel decorating your tree, house, yard, car, office, and lapel were made by people toiling away in Chinese factories, sometimes using heavy metals and toxic compounds. Even your artificial Christmas tree may contain lead. Electricity usage is high enough without the Christmas lights twinkling in the darkness. It's all often powered by a coal-fired electric plant spewing greenhouse gases into the air.

7. Losing the Love of Christmas

Most cynics once loved the Christmas season, especially when they were children. There are still places where Christmas is a quiet, family-oriented, religious holiday. If they could have just one Christmas wish granted, it would be to have that type of Christmas back.

But Christmas has become a monster society seems doomed to repeat year after year. It's enough to make you want to drive a stake through the heart of the evil beast of Xmas. Cancel Christmas now.