Marriage is hard and arguments are inevitable. A minor argument can escalate into a full-blown fight depending on the topic. Everyone has their triggers. Our partners tend to know what they are and have the ability to set us off in a way no other person can.
When you are deeply hurt or angry, you might dip deep into your arsenal to dig out that “weapon of mass destruction” to make your point, be heard or try to get your partner to understand how upset you are.
This is often in the form of threatening divorce, otherwise known as the dreaded “D-word.”
According to research, thoughts of divorce are quite common over the course of marriage. Many couples ebb and flow throughout their relationship but manage to hold things together. Some even stay blissfully happy while others hang on by a thread. There is, of course, everything in between these extremes. However, thinking about divorce and saying it are two very different things.
Some marriages are beyond repair and divorce is inevitable. So, in circumstances where you blurt out “divorce,” it is strongly advised that you mean it, and it’s not just an empty threat. “During an argument, emotions are running wild, and lots of things are said that are in ‘the heat of the moment,' but the threat of divorce should never be said,” advised Dr. Karen Sherman, psychologist and author. “Clearly, the idea of divorce is the ultimate abandonment and goes to the core of people's attachment issues.
So, even though it is only at the moment and not really meant, the threat has been put out there and is frightening” she explains. Dr. Sherman believes it is more productive to say something instead such as, "I'm so angry (or hurt) that a part of me feels like even though I'd never do it, I don't want to be with you anymore." She says that this will let your spouse know that the feeling is transitory.
Dr. Paul DePompo, board certified cognitive behavioral therapist and author suggests, “A spouse should never use the D-word during an argument unless this is a serious consideration and is not being said in anger. The reason why it is harmful is that it opens up the door for divorce to be on the table." He goes on to say, “This is traumatic in a sense because it brings the relationship from one that promises till death – to now to saying, ‘well maybe not-so-much'.” Dr. DePompo also stresses that this can bring out a “protective mode” rather than a “problem-solving mode.” He recommends that couples should be vulnerable instead of defensive by targeting “the real hurt or fear that they are feeling which is hiding under their anger.” For example, he advises saying something like, “I am hurt because I feel like you are not really listening to what I am saying, and this keeps happening, and I am starting to feel alone,” or “I am afraid that if we cannot problem solve this, we are not going to be able to have the relationship that we both desire.”
Denise Limongello, a Manhattan licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert concurs. She says “the threat of divorce during an argument can be devastating to hear.” In her opinion, the happy couples she sees “avoid using that word during arguments, as it can make it seem that divorce is a possibility.” She has some tips for what couples should do instead such as, “creating a ground-rule with your spouse that bans the D-word from your vocabulary can be a great way to contract safety with your partner.” Limongello also says, “making ground-rules, of any kind, that you can both stick to, can be useful in building trust within your relationship.” She also advises “Don’t ever threaten as research shows that this leads to heightened levels of depression and anxiety, and can even affect blood pressure levels.” She believes that making threats is not a healthy behavior in a loving relationship, and there are more constructive ways to get your needs met.
“Whenever you use the D-word in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs.” ~Chris Armstrong, relationship coach
There are serious reasons that a spouse should not use the D-word during an argument according to certified relationship coach, Chris Armstrong. First and foremost, the message gets lost. “When a spouse utters the dreaded D-word, whatever was said before or after can very often fade into the background.” He discusses how the spouse hearing this can get overwhelmed. After this happens, Armstrong says “whatever outcome that was desired by the spouse who uttered it will likely not be achieved.” He also believes that if you get the spouse angry enough, he or she might even “call your bluff.”
Alternatively, Armstrong recommends a coaching strategy called the “WAIT Principle” that helps the partner wishing to throw out the D-word stay on track with what is really trying to be communicated.
These spouses should ask themselves: Why am I talking? What is the desired outcome of putting the dreaded D-word on the table? Will it help me get to my desired outcome? Have I looked at how it will land on my spouse? He emphasizes this approach because “Whenever you use the D-word in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs. Otherwise stated, you are telling your spouse the relationship is not a safe place to be or that the relationship is fragile and cannot withstand any stress or pressure.”
Dr. Heather M Ehinger, a Marriage and Family therapist specializing in high conflict relationships also believes that these couples are trying to get their needs met in an ineffective way. “It feels like a way to get the other person to pay attention to how serious you are. Unfortunately, just like the story of Peter and the Wolf, all threats eventually land on deaf ears.” She advised couples to “take responsibility for yourself and examine what it is you need that you are not getting.” She goes on to say that if you are not prepared to make good on the divorce threat, then stop making them as “divorce will get you divorced, threats will get you ignored. Peter found out the hard way, don’t be like Peter!””
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