If you are thinking about ending your marriage, you are likely facing one of the most difficult decisions of your adult life. Many spouse struggle for a very long time before making a firm choice about whether to stay or go. Are you agonizing over the decision of whether or not to file for divorce? If you are, other aspects of your life are probably being negatively impacted while you are in this state of limbo.
Areas of Your Life Negatively Impacted by Indecision
- Your job: Your job may be in jeopardy due to moodiness and lack of attention.
- Your other relationships: Your children, friends and other family members may feel your sadness, frustration, impatience, fear, anger, and indecision.
- Your health:Your health is also being compromised if you aren't sleeping well, or if you are ignoring getting exercise and eating healthy foods.
Primary Reasons People Stay
For many couples, the amount of time they have already invested in their marriages has a lot to do with their decision to stay or to go. It is generally easier for a younger married couple to divorce and start their lives over again than it is for partners who have been together a decade or more.
Are You Better Off Married or Divorced?
Sometimes a marriage is worth saving and sometimes it isn't. It is important to face the realities of divorce and not just the fantasy of divorce.
What to Do Before Making Any Major Decisions
- Attempt to reduce the stress in your life.
- Get yourself on stable ground so you can handle whatever comes your way.
- Devise a survival or back up plan to give yourself more of a sense of control over your life. You may not ever have to use it, but have it anyway.
- If your physical or emotional safety depends on being separated from your spouse, you must make that your priority.
Things to Consider
When making this type of life-changing decision, recognize what you will lose and do not count on what you may receive.
If your main reason for wanting a divorce is because you are unhappy, being single again may not make you happier.
Questions to Ask Yourself
- Are you having dreams that you spouse is dead?
- Do you feel as if you have nothing left to give to your marriage?
- Has all the forgiveness, hope and patience in your heart run out?
- Do you feel indifference towards your spouse?
- Does your spouse treat you badly or show indifference?
- Is there a complete lack of intimacy (not just sex, but emotional intimacy, affection, laughter?)
- Has there been a long history of addiction, abuse or infidelity?
If you have said yes to these questions, you may be at the point of no return in your marital relationship. Feeling indifference or becoming emotionally detached is a strong sign that your marriage is over.
You may need some time away to view your marriage more clearly.
Sometimes getting away, even for a weekend, to sort things out on your own can help you see your situation more clearly. For many people, this is when something sort of clicks inside and they know what to do.
Seek Professional Help
Be sure to see a professional licensed counselor that works with couples even if you go alone. Sometimes a therapist with a lack of understanding of relational interactions will help put the nail in the marital coffin. You must see someone with a good amount of experience in couples work. Better yet, you both can try discernment counseling for guidance on this significant life decision.
When it is time to throw in the towel, chances are that you will know. You will experience an "aha" moment of clarity as to what you need to do.
If you do make the decision to divorce, be good to yourself.
Remember that if your marriage fails, it doesn't mean you are a failure. Some unhealthy relationships are not meant to succeed. Sometimes people keep trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense or can't be solved.
Purchase from Amazon: Should I try to Work It Out?: A Guidebook for INdividuals and Couples at The Crossroads of Divorce by Alan J. Hawkins and Tamara A. Fackrell
*Article updated by Marni Feuerman